haven't posted in a while and if i make this an actual blog i wouldn't get any studying done and my exam is tomorrow but just wanted to say vote for my cuz
http://www.brickfish.com/Pages/PhotosAlbums/PhotoView.aspx?qsi=52595582
and don't for get to vote again

The same day my boyfriend had to leave for combat training my mother was diagnosed with stage 0 breast cancer.  They caught it really early.  I felt alone in it.  I didn't want to tell a ton of people my mother had cancer and I wasn't dealing with it well.  I felt like it was my mothers business.  I basically stopped eating normally just to cope.  I started working out.  Since I was so hungry I ended up eating which made me feel guilty and caused me not to eat the next day or to purge.  I completely took a nose dive into everything I had been trying to recover from.  Last week I had a chance opportunity that just kind of came from a really odd place to express myself and fess up to what I had been throwing myself into.  So I did.  I realized the more I spoke the more insane I sounded.  Even though I am going through a relapse I have been taking care of it better than before.  As soon as I though things were going to get rough I called my therapist to make an appointment.  I would have never went for help before.  I have been doing a lot better in the past 3 days but still need help.  I have to figure out a better way to deal.
I know i know i know,
Llissa
 
obsession slow murder
i measure
i weigh
i count
i pray
"God help me but don't heal me."
i laugh at my affliction
i soldier up
controlling is my punishment
if i don't do it right she might die
if i don't hold my breath
my breath my weight my breath
she might just die
35 rounds 35 rounds
radiation trepidation
restriction is the slap to my face to give me
strength so i can be her rock
i am sorry i missed your appointment
i was to weak to go
i am sorry
i am weak
i pray
"God make me strong but don't take my re-mediating obsessions"

Don't leave number 13 knitting needles laying around.

FML

I had a really bad day at work.  I didn't make diddly.  :( The worst part of waitress is that you aren't guaranteed money for the job you do you have the potential to make money.  Today I made forty seven dollars and twenty three cents. 

I never count my money until I get home.  I got home early today because we closed early because we were so slow.   I haven't made this little money since the day I was shadowing.  I don't know it's what ever.  I was frustrated, but I knew tomorrow was potential for more money.  I was going to go to church today but I didn't get to: (this is the long story part)  I was sitting in my room on my bed.  I was counting my money.  I get off my bed to get my purse and I trip on my bag of knitting.  I fall and I catch myself with my hands.  I roll over on my butt still grabbing for my purse and I notice I have something sticking out of my leg.  It is a thirteen gage knitting needle.  I try to pull it out.  I think it is stuck under my pants by sweat.  It's not coming out at this point I think something is up.   I scream for my roomate who, lucky for me, is actually home.  I am thinking how the fuck am I going to get down to my car.  She is like where is your phone I'll call 911 honestly at the time I was thinking get down stairs.  When she said 911 I was thinking genius!  I am honestly not in that much pain at this point.  God must have just taken all the pain receptors out of my leg because I put ice on it but never really felt much pain.  I was calm through the whole thing while I was laying up against the wall with the knitting needle lodged into my leg I was thinking about my day.  I was still stuck on my day and how bad it went at work.  I just wanted to go to church.  I had been looking forward to it since yesterday.  I knew that wasn't going to happen.  I started crying because I was pissed.  Pissed I needed help.  Pissed I didn't make more money.  Just generally pissed off at myself. 

When the firemen and EMTs arrive there are about 5 of them and a ride along.  They are all like omg!  They put the other knitting needle against the one lodged into my lodged into my leg and determine that it was about 2 inches in.  I really don't want to make a day out of things, and I have a high tolerance for pain so I asked him if he could just take it out. He said he couldn't.  "No way!"  They wanted to give me Morpheme, but I didn't want it.  I didn't need it.  On the pain scale I rated myself a 1.  I honestly don't know how I wasn't in pain but I thank God.  I was very calm. 

After we joked in the apartment for a few minuets they figured out the best way to get me out and started executing the process.  They strapped me to a board after immobilizing my leg, and carried me down all 3 flights of stairs. 

In the ambulance the EMT who took my blood pressure said, "you are amazingly calm for someone with a knitting needle sticking out of there leg".  My pulse was at 83 and my blood pressure was 120/74.  He put an I.V. in, according to him, because "you aren't in pain now but they are probably going to give you pain meds later for when they pull it out".  Since i was so low on the pain scale I sat around in the waiting room I didn't actually leave until seven fortyish.  I got there at around three something.  My roommate was amazing she stayed with me until seven thirty, but she left me with my mother.  I was just so glad she was home.  I honestly would of hobbled all the way down to my car and then realized that I couldn't drive it because you need both feet to drive a manual. 

I eventually called my mother and told her not to freak which of course she did but I don't expect to be any better when I am a mother.  It didn't help that there was a horrible signal in my room which was in fact room number 13.  On top of it all "my cheese was still in the wind" because, I didn't get to go to church.

Right now I am in a knee stabilizer and on crutches.  I have to say I was swearing and crying pretty hard core form the numbing meds they injected directly into my knee, rendering the port in my arm utterly useless.  Aside form the numbing agent they used nothing else hurt.  I am out a bag of veggies though :(.  I was going to eat those too. 

I got hysterical when I though my plans to go see Andrew graduate were wrecked but luckily I am only on crutches for the next three day and I go back on Monday to get checked on.  Hopefully this knee stabilizer isn't needed much longer.  No stiches because the woond was so deep they were afraid that If they closed it up it would seal an infection in.  I am on antibiotics and Hydrocodne as needed.  To be honest it all feels like the big event was just a dream.  I will only have a scar, medical bills, and pictures to prove it later.  I am going to post them up later but for now I sleep.

Now every time I see Knitting needles I think of the worst possible thing that could happen, but luckily I am not fearful just careful.

I know I know enough already
Llissa